This is going to make me sound ungrateful and horrible, but I’m going to say it anyways, because it’s how I feel and I’m not going to hide from that.
I had a discussion/argument with my parents tonight. The gist of it was that we were speaking in English and my mother suddenly asked us (my brother and me) to speak in Chinese. We did for a bit, and then I kind of forgot and started speaking in English. My father said: “How stupid are you? You can’t even understand a simple instruction to speak to your mother in Chinese. You don’t give me any reason to support your education if after learning Chinese for 12 years you can’t hold a simple conversation with your mother in Chinese.”
Being called stupid is a problem for me. One of the ways my anxiety disorder expresses itself is that I worry about how intelligent other people find me. I worry about it a lot. I worry about the scores I get on tests. Even when I get full marks for a particular question, I worry about whether it was phrased in the most perfect way possible. I worry about whether what I say was appropriate to the situation. I worry about whether it sounds insightful or lame. I worry about…
Long story short, being called stupid, under any circumstances hurts. I know when my father says that, he doesn’t really mean it. I know he’s just angry and upset and he’s just venting and coping with his emotions in the only way he knows how. I know he has his own issues and that he would never intentionally hurt me. But he does. Sometimes he says the most hurtful things. Sometimes he takes things that he knows are my insecurities because I once trusted him enough to tell him, and he’ll use them against me when he’s upset. Sometimes he’ll say things he doesn’t mean when he’s hurting. And no matter how much I know he doesn’t mean it, no matter how much he apologises later, it still hurts. It still makes me feel like I don’t deserve his love, or anyone else’s love. It still makes me feel worthless and stupid and I still believe the hurtful things he says. It hurts even when I know he doesn’t mean it. And what’s said can’t be unsaid ever.