I’ve just finished my exams (that’s why I’ve been gone for so long that I ran out of scheduled posts). Oddly enough, I actually feel worse now than I did during my exams, as stressful and awful as they were. I have no idea why. Anyways, I just wanted to write about a few things I’m starting to realise/question:
1. I’ve known I am asexual for a while, but I always considered myself to be hetero-romantic. I’m having complicated feelings for a girl, and that’s making me question my romantic orientation. I might be biromantic or panromantic. I’m not sure about that yet, though. I guess I’ll see what happens.
2. My therapist thinks that obsessive compulsive disorder might be a reason for my symptoms. I’ve been provisionally diagnosed with ADHD. Neither diagnostic label seems to fit me particularly, well, though, and reading about the experiences of people with either OCD or ADHD have really convinced me that I most likely don’t have them. I’ve been considering the possibility that I might be autistic. The more I talk to people who are autistic and read about their experiences, the more convinced I am that my life finally makes sense. I spoke to my mother, and she says that she can see that I might be autistic. I’m pretty convinced that I am autistic, and I think I’m reasonably confident in self-diagnosing myself as autistic. I’m currently trying to consider the advantages and disadvantages of professional diagnosis. On one hand, it would be nice to deal with the self-doubt I have about my self-diagnosis and I might want support and assistance at university, but on the other hand, I’m concerned about the very real consequences about having a label like that attached to me. It’s a difficult decision, and one I’m going to take a while to carefully consider before I do anything.
3. Superficial vs actual insecurities. I realised that some of my insecurities are things I genuinely believe (for example, that I’m overly sensitive and have deficient social skills), but some of the insecurities are things that logically I know are not true, but I am somehow insecure about anyways (for example, that I’m bad at chemistry and that I’m fat). I find it interesting that I can believe that I’m not good enough in some areas even though I have sufficient evidence to logically show that I am not, in fact, as bad as I believe myself to be. It’s strange. My brain is weird.
4. I’ve had depression for about three years. I’m wondering if I might have psychotic depression. Not that it would actually make any kind of a difference at this point. I’m just wondering.
5. Recently, I’ve been having a recurring thought. I keep thinking of a needle in my heart, and all the blood draining out until I die. I have no idea why on earth I’d be thinking of that since I absolutely hate needles (despite being 17 and a half, I still act like a 3 year old when it comes to having blood drawn). I guess more evidence that my brain is weird.